February 1, 2017

Happy Groundhog Day!!

Dear Friends, Family, Strangers, Stranger Things, and Strangest Ones,

We are celebrating our 11th anniversary of the GHD Chronicle! Mostly because we blew through the 10th without a clue--not like we adhere to tradition, anyway. Ahh, but 11 is far superior! The Number 11 is a Master Number drawing on the cosmic forces for inspiration and enlightenment, through pronounced intuition and artistic sensitivity. The First World War ended on the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month. Apollo 11 was the first manned spacecraft to land on the moon. The deepest known point of the ocean is 11km at Callenger Deep, Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. The best amplifiers go to 11. Some people even name their kid “Eleven”. I feel a limerick coming on…

There once was a number from heaven

Who was proud of its name “Eleven”

But to its chagrin

Fame was thin

Until it named a store with its friend, number Seven.

Ok...on to eleven more boring things.

Just like Sisyphus (the guy with an STD) running after his boulder, we chased 2016 down the hill. I can’t remember what happened, so I’ll just make some stuff up.

Lessons learned from 2016

Don’t ride the most beautiful train in the world over the Alps with an ear infection. The 7000 feet in altitude changes will adversely affect your enjoyment of the breath-taking scenery. Just ask Sam.

Watch your head on the 431st step of the Duomo in Florence. Smacking it on the ceiling will inhibit your ability to enjoy the rest of Florence. Just ask Sam.

RV parks occasionally smell like BBQed sewage, but that might actually be better than the inside of your camper when traveling 8000 miles with a cat.

It the kids curse at the cat in a British accent it sound innocuous.

The Pacific Northwest is beautiful the one month that it is not winter, but it is still too cold to fall out of a canoe. Just ask Sam.

In Oregon, there are drive-thru marijuana stands, complete with dancing man blowers.

When your camper’s AC unit breaks in Las Vegas in August, your camper is rendered completely useless for anything except baking a cake without a using the oven. Just ask Mooch.

The cheapest hotel in Vegas on Priceline is--wait for it--Trump Tower.

Trump Tower doesn’t reject people carrying their clothes in grocery sacks.

Showing up with a contrabassoon is like getting a boob job--no one expects you to do anything intelligent.

An alternator replacement for an XC90 Volvo costs $100 in Mexico; and takes 35 days.

A 35 day car repair in Mexico means you take two vacations for the price of three.

When waiting in the glacially slow lines to cross the Mexican border, one can buy an accordion.

A chipmunk embedded in the tread of your tire leads to a discussion of Darwinian Theory.

Daryl thinks that “pack light” means that it is ok to bring a prom dress. Just ask Sam.

Whaleherdienda Personnel Report

Daryl is more poised in her interactions as access to independent transportation draws near. She spends most of her time singing and dancing or watching singing and dancing. Who are we to say, “Don’t chase your passion”?

Sammy is taller and wiser. He likes to count stairs. His favorite pastimes are doing everything Daryl forbids him to do and protecting the universe via interdimensional digital combat. He wonders why grades are attached to learning and thinks that this system is counterproductive.

“They say, don’t be afraid to fail, but then scold us when we get a bad grade.”

Nathan maintains a steady path despite enduring some serious heartache this year. He has managed perfect grades, a heavy work schedule, and is vehemently competitive at Exploding Kittens.

Hilde has a boyfriend and is bringing him to come see us (or rather the city of Austin) in March.

Angus is adorable and we’ll be so happy to see them. Hilde is still studying Human Right Law in Essex and has developed a British accent.

Kaghondi is still funny and charming. He is pursuing his Doctorate at the University of Minnesota. He’s trying to raise funds and air miles for his family to join him the next two years.

Jamilly is finishing up an internship in Dubai. She didn’t like it--and typical for her, she makes jokes about how everyone there worships money and works all the time. She decided that work is definitely not for her.

Sophia is teaching at Makumira! And her students are lucky to have her. She finished up being a star in the Choral Department at Texas State University.

Mr. Grumpy Pickle, the Chameleon, was sold for a profit.

Mooch plays jungle kitty in the potted plants. I’d like to play kitty executioner.

Louwise is a loud and powerful intruder alert system, as long as that intruder is Tom, the only human she likes and is worthy of her screaming.

Tom daydreams about future employment opportunities such as: selling Trump memorabilia in Mexico, opening an RV Resort in the Virgin Islands, or maybe turning profits on Craigslist reptiles.

Fun Facts about Groundhog Day

Punxsutawney Phil, Phyllis (wife), and Phelicia (daughter) Sowerby

Phil is 129 years old
His youthful appearance is accredited to a secret elixir or “groundhog punch”. Every sip extends his life by 7 years (oddly enough, the life span of a normal groundhog).
Phil practices traditions of royalty as Phyllis, his wife, is actually his sister.
February 2nd Canadians look to Wiarton Willie, a white groundhog, to forecast their weather.
A few desperate Texans have been promoting “Bee Cave Bob” the armadillo as the official prognosticator of winter weather. Not surprisingly, his ceremonies more closely resemble “Chicken Shit Bingo” than that of a true rodent meteorologist.

Here at the Chronicle we do not support fake news or alternative facts, we endorse only the highest standard of investigative journalism. With that in mind, we would like to share an unsubstantiated entry on Wikileaks bringing the secret formula of Punxsutawney Phil’s famous longevity elixir. It is the perfect beverage to enjoy with your loved ones on Groundhog’s Day.

P. Phil’s Secret Elixir for a Long Life

3 carrots with tops

1 serving wheatgrass

11 bags of iron rich Kale

2 scoops of Purina Rabbit Chow

2 handfuls of alfalfa hay

11 bottles of Dr. Pepper flavored kombucha

4 Swedish Fish

Wool of a bat

2 Tbsp of a frozen Ecuadorian snowball

1 1 oz of fresh (not frozen) meteorologist's blood

2 grams of “Blowing Man” marijuana from Oregon